Dr. Greg House, MD

Can I get a quick poll? How many people here actually watch scary movies? ....how many of you went into one of those houses?

I have a sneaking suspicion--or maybe I should say creeping suspicion-- that people that have not actually went through with it. People that have seen horror movies and waltzed on in, well, that is not only a display of a lack of common sense but disregard for self preservation. Maybe even a death wish.

How close am I?

So. You like cute.

How about tularemia? That one is just delightful. See, it's an infectious disease that can be transferred from dead rabbit tissue through an open would or saliva. Or even bunny droppings. This rascal of a disease creates ulcers, inflames glands and can last beyond four weeks. Not cute?

Aww. What about Powassan? It's got a 60% survival rate, it's symptoms are simple enough to be confused with many other conditions that it being disorientation, sleepiness and in some casses semicomatose state of being. Couldn't you just die? Yes. Yes you could. I can't even keep up the sarcastic cute stuff. Seriously, don't you people ever use your brains? This doesn't even cover rabies or ticks. Who really goes out to grab animals because they can?

In the event that you find your skin to be orange after consuming your weight in carrots, City carrots no less, don't be alarmed. Consuming that much beta carotene, it should be no surprise. I wouldn't recommend a diet of that many carrots unless you want to increase your chances of prostate cancer, lung cancer, or cardiovascular problems.

The mystery is solved. If it isn't that, take Motrin. If it does nothing...someone will see you eventually.

This is way, way more clinic duty than I've ever willingly undertaken. Surely, someone has an infectious disease or maybe a bacteria not yet diagnosed. You're holding out on me. I'd ask about any downstairs mix ups but I still think it's too soon. Right, Dr. Cameron? Dr. Chase? They'll be modest. Always.

I would like to say, loudly and proudly, on the network that meat is good. Cows are delicious when prepared properly. Not eating meat doesn't make sense because our body processes it. How much and of what sort, it can vary. People say eating red meat is unnatural, that's not entirely so. It again goes back to how much. How frequently. How now brown cow.

The line starts here for rabies shots. Seriously. And while you're at it, pick up some Advantage on your way home. You'll thank me. A young boy who shall remain nameless can testify to the magical healing powers of precaution.

Feeling bad? Could be worse. You could have hirsutism or hypertrichosis. Talk about a hairy situation. Hormones and DNA are to blame, it depends on the case. Imagine having to lint roll yourself everyday. Really it would be easy though especially if you make a cool million off of the Ringling Brothers.

I've covered hairy and bitches to some degree. But not as much as I should. Paging Dr. Lisa Cuddy. I have a feeling she skipped out. This calls for pizza with everything and beer.

I don't think I've laughed this hard at society this much before in a long time. Great job, everybody. Wilson. Cameron. Everybody take a bow. You deserve it.

Expected ration of asshole aside, let me pose a philosophical question to those who like to verbally wrestle anyway. Do you know anymore now than you did back then?

I've seen some displays of sap. But you? I feel like I've been nursing off of a redwood. One more holiday to go and then the season of peak insincerity can finally come to a close. Do we all really love each other with that wishes of peace? I mean, besides the nazis. That's more than a little obvious. And the monsters. Nazis and monsters aside, do you honestly give a crap about everyone else? No. You don't. Because you can't possibly have feelings for every single person. It's not logical also more than half of you are idiots.

While I'm on a roll: City made the Zombie AIDS and then cured it. Game over with a fizzle. No hunt. No build up. I can't think of a time I've been this disappointed. The deities should stick to playing another game and leave mine alone.

Two Lifetime channel curses in one month. I thought only two of the deities were women. If I'm not mistaken there is a significantly large amount of estrogen running this place. I'd recommend hormone therapy. But not PEMU, gotta save them horses. Is Little Orphan Annie out of the closet? The literal closet, not the metaphorical. A runaway secret lesbian is pushing the scenario way too much. Crossing over into cinemaxxx territory.

If Cuddy wanted a kid she could have just popped over to this place and waited.

I'm having a hard time believing that none of you get ill. Or shot. Or have a case of anemia. You're all a bunch of penny pinching liars who would die from stubbornness if you could die here.

You know that word I taught you, Giselle? Infarction? Mine is doing that bad thing called hurt. I can't think of any cheery, happy tunes. I'm staying in bed. All day.

Enjoy the dresses. I don't want them.

Dear Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley,

I hate you. I wish I never read your book.

You should have just told Percy to shut up and be Romantic on his own. You were always on your own anyway?  Instead you ended up with dead babies and a literary classic.

Way to go.

Sincerely,
Greg House

The corpse I got a hold of is not moving anymore. At all. No matter what I do.

Someone forgot to hold little Jimmy?  Timmy? Jolly's hand. Amber Alert anyone?

Dresden. I meant to get back to you about your hand.